Siman 21

After the section of forbidden relations it is written: "Speak to the entire congregation of the children of Israel and say to them, 'You shall be holy'" (Leviticus 19:2), for in every place where you find a fence against forbidden relations, it is a fence of holiness. The Holy One, Blessed be He, commanded all of Israel, from the great to the small, to separate very, very much from forbidden relations and to establish fences and safeguards for them; because the soul of a person covets forbidden relations, they therefore require many fences. Consequently, a person must distance himself from women very, very much. It is forbidden to wink at them with his hands or his feet, or to hint to them with his eyes, or to contemplate them. Regarding this it is said: "And that you seek not after your own heart and your own eyes, after which you use to go astray" (Numbers 15:39), for the eye and the heart are the two agents of transgression. King David, peace be upon him, prayed regarding this: "Incline my heart unto Your testimonies... Turn away my eyes from beholding vanity." It is forbidden to speak with them for the sake of desire, or to jest with them, or to act lightheadedly before them, or to gaze at their beauty. So too said King Solomon, peace be upon him (Proverbs 5:3–5): "For the lips of a strange woman drop honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil; but her end is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps take hold on the netherworld." Even to smell the perfumes upon her or upon her garments is forbidden. It is forbidden to look at women who are standing over the laundry because their legs are uncovered. If there is another way, he should not pass by the laundry way; and if there is no other way, he should shut his eyes from looking at them. Regarding this it is said (Isaiah 33:15): "And shuts his eyes from seeing evil" [Bava Batra 57].

It is forbidden to gaze at the colorful garments of a foreign woman when he recognizes her, even if they are not upon her, lest he come to have thoughts about her. And if he encounters a woman in the marketplace or in the street, it is forbidden to walk behind her; rather, he should run and move her to the side, or precede her so that she is behind him. And thus the sages said: Behind a lion and not behind a woman [Berakhot 61a]. And in places where the streets are narrow and it is impossible to move aside—he should force himself and shut his eyes as much as possible. And one who passes behind a woman at a river—has no portion in the World to Come [ibid.]. And one who counts out coins to a woman from his hand to her hand and his intention is to gaze at her, even if he possesses Torah and good deeds, he will not be cleansed from the judgment of Gehenna, as it is said (Proverbs 11:21): "Hand to hand, the evil one shall not go unpunished" [ibid.].

One should not pass by the entrance of a harlot even at a distance of four amot, and one should not say, "I will pass and I will subdue my inclination," for there is no guardian against the evil inclination. One who gazes even at the small finger of a woman and intends to derive pleasure from this—it is as if he gazes at her nakedness. It is forbidden to do anything that brings oneself into suspicion, and regarding this it is stated: "Put away from you a crooked mouth, and devious lips put far from you" (Proverbs 4:24), "Keep your way far from her, and do not approach the entrance of her house" (ibid. 5:8). It is forbidden to hear the voice of a woman, a singing voice, when she is not his wife, or to see her hair or the places of her body that are covered, and one who intends for one of these things—they strike him with a makkot mardut. During the time of the recitation of Shema and prayer, it is forbidden even with the voice of his wife and her hair, but a voice of ordinary speech is permitted to be heard from all women. If he is suspected regarding a certain woman—they warn him that he should not pass by the entrance of her house, and if he passes by this, they lash him, and it is obvious that for other forms of drawing near they lash them, and see there in siman 22, section 3.

The daughters of Israel shall not go with uncovered heads in the marketplace, whether a single woman such as a widow or divorcee, or a married woman. And to go with an uncovered head in a reshut harabim is forbidden by the Torah, as it is written regarding a sotah, "And he shall uncover the head of the woman" (Numbers 5:18) – by implication, she does not go thus, and in siman 115 this will be explained. And likewise a virgin who had intercourse or was betrothed but not yet married – some say she must cover her head, and some say she does not need to.

When one needs to marry a woman, it is permitted to look at her to examine her to see if she is beautiful so that he may marry her, whether she is a virgin or whether she is a widow or a divorcee. Not only this, but it is proper to do so, for it is forbidden to betroth a woman until he sees her. Nevertheless, he should not look at her excessively in a licentious manner, as Job said (31:1), "I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze upon a virgin?" And that which our sages, of blessed memory, said regarding a talmid chacham who goes to betroth a woman, that he should take an am ha'aretz with him, is not because it is forbidden for the talmid chacham to see her—for if so, how would it be permitted for the am ha'aretz? Rather, the intention is so that they do not switch her for another, and the talmid chacham is not expert in this even though he saw her once, but the am ha'aretz will recognize if they switch her for another.

And similarly, it is permitted for a man to look at his wife even though she is a niddah and she is currently an ervah to him, and even though he derives pleasure from looking at her, for since she will be permitted to him after some time, he will not come to a stumbling block; therefore, our sages, of blessed memory, permitted a niddah to adorn herself so that she does not become repulsive to her husband. Nevertheless, he shall not joke or act lightheadedly with her, and similarly, to look at the private parts is forbidden, and if he violates this—he will have children who are not proper. And similarly, it is forbidden to look at the covered places of her body during the days of her niddah status, as is written in Yoreh Deah siman 195.

It is forbidden to be served by a woman at all, whether an adult or a minor, whether a maidservant or a freedwoman, lest he come to sinful thoughts [the Rambam], and also so as not to habituate them to being among men [Rashi, Kiddushin 80.]. Regarding which service did they speak? Regarding washing his face, hands, and feet; even to pour water for him to wash his face, hands, and feet is forbidden, even if she does not touch him. And making the bed in his presence and pouring the cup, for any matter that a wife does for her husband by way of closeness is forbidden for a strange woman to do for him. And all this is when she does it not by way of service, but by way of service it appears that there is no prohibition in the matter [it appears to me], but to wash his face, hands, and feet it is obvious that it is forbidden in any case, for this is excessive closeness. And some say that the same applies to eating with her from one bowl, which is also forbidden, and this is logical, for you have no greater closeness than this; and even though there are those who are lenient regarding eating, or to pass from his hand to her hand that it is only forbidden with his wife who is a niddah, nevertheless, one who fears the word of Hashem should distance himself from such things. However, regarding his daughter and his sister, this prohibition does not apply, for this is not a closeness of mind as this is the way of the world, and it is not relevant that a ruinous outcome will come from them. And there is one who says that the prohibition is only in a place of yichud, but in a place where many are present there, there is no prohibition in this. And for this reason, there are those who were accustomed to be washed by maidservants in the bathhouse, and our teacher, the Beit Yosef, wrote regarding this that it is forbidden to even bring this matter to mind, and Heaven forbid for a Jewish man to be washed by them, and some mistaken student wrote thus. And some say further that as long as one does not do it by way of affection and his intention is only for the sake of Heaven, such as to dance with the kallah, it is permitted; but one who guards his soul should distance himself from this, for it is remote that he should not come to sinful thoughts, and it is a mitzvah brought about through a transgression. And some say that even with his wife it is not proper to behave with matters of excessive affection in front of people, such as to check his head and the like, and you have nothing more beautiful than modesty. The general rule of the matter: one who weighs his paths and his circles will never stumble, and one who does not take it to heart will fall into the net of the yetzer hara, for it is stronger than him.

One may not inquire after the welfare of a woman at all, even through a messenger, and it is even forbidden to send words of greeting to her through her husband; however, it is permitted to ask her husband how her welfare is. And the reason that one does not inquire after the welfare of a woman is lest through the inquiry of welfare, even through a messenger, they will become accustomed to one another and come to affection [Rashi ibid.]. According to this, the prohibition is only regarding an inquiry of welfare that involves closeness of mind and love, but to say to her "good morning" and the like—it appears there is no prohibition. And to ask another person what the welfare of a certain woman is, some say that this too is only permitted through her husband and not through another [Chelkat Mechokek], and some permit it [Bach]. And to ask a woman about the welfare of her husband is permitted [Maharsha, Bava Metzia 87a], and some wish to prohibit this on the grounds of "a voice in a woman is ervah," but it does not appear so, for with ordinary speech it was not prohibited with women, but only with a pleasant voice from which the listener derives pleasure [ibid.]. And to write in a letter "regards to your wife" or "and say hello to your wife"—it is forbidden, for this is an inquiry of welfare through her husband; however, to ask about her welfare in a letter is permitted, for he is asking her husband how her welfare is. And regarding one's daughter, daughter-in-law, and sister—it appears there is no prohibition at all in inquiring after their welfare, for closeness of mind is not applicable to them, as it is the way of the world that a father inquires after the welfare of his offspring and it is an obligation upon him, and likewise a brother to his sister. And the principles of these matters all depend on the mind and fear of Heaven, and if his inclination is subdued and bent to him and he harbors no improper thoughts in his heart at all—there is no concern in the inquiry of welfare [Ritva ibid.]. Therefore, we find regarding Elisha that he said to his servant, "Run now to meet her and say to her, 'Is it well with you?'" (II Kings 4:26); yet from there there is no proof, for he did everything according to the Divine word, as he was a prophet. [And it requires further study from Bava Metzia 87a, but one must say that since it is written in the Torah we learn from it, and if so, there is also proof from Elisha].

One should not wonder at the custom practiced in all the dispersions of Israel when guests come to the house of a homeowner and the wife of the homeowner honors them, feeds them, gives them drink, and pours cups for them, even though one may not be served by a woman—for there is no prohibition at all in this. And it is not only if the homeowner is reclining with them, for then she is serving before him, but even if he is not reclining with them, since she does not act in a manner of service of intimacy, but rather for the sake of hospitality and because all the needs of the house are incumbent upon her—there is no prohibition in the matter. And so too in an inn, when the mistress of the inn pours cups for the guests, this is not in a manner of service of intimacy, but rather in a manner of service [it appears to me].

The Rambam, of blessed memory, wrote [ibid.]: One who embraces one of the forbidden relations that a person’s heart does not smite him over, or who kissed one of them, such as his elder sister or his mother’s sister and the like, even though there is no desire or pleasure there at all—behold, this is exceedingly loathsome, and it is a forbidden matter and an act of fools, for one may not approach a forbidden relation at all, whether an adult or a minor, except for a mother with her son and a father with his daughter. How so? A father is permitted to embrace his daughter and kiss her, and she may sleep with him in contact of the flesh, and likewise a mother with her son—as long as they are minors. If they grew up and the son became an adult and the daughter an adult, until "breasts were fashioned and your hair grew"—this one sleeps in his garment and she sleeps in her garment. And if the daughter was ashamed to stand before her father naked or if she married, and likewise if the mother is ashamed to stand before her son naked, even though they are minors, once they have reached the point of being embarrassed by them—they do not sleep with them except in their garments. Thus far his words, and our teacher, the Beit Yosef, transcribed it in section 7. And the Tur wrote regarding the measure of "grew up": that the daughter is eleven years old and the son is twelve years old; however, if breasts were fashioned before this time—it is forbidden even before this time. And specifically to sleep in contact of the flesh is forbidden, but embracing and kissing—is permitted; however, when she is betrothed, she is forbidden even when she is a complete minor. And some say that his daughter's daughter has the same law as his daughter, and the same applies to his minor sister of three years, and certainly his son's daughter. And if he comes to the house of his son and daughter-in-law or to the house of his son-in-law and daughter and cherishes and honors their sons and daughters, and even takes them in his lap, and his intention is for the sake of Heaven to give satisfaction thereby to their parents—there is no prohibition at all in the matter, and thus behaved the greatest of the sages. And the sages, of blessed memory, stated a great principle there: that everything is for the sake of Heaven.