Siman 385

An avel is forbidden in greeting, and we derive this as well from "Sigh in silence" (Moed Katan 15a). And all the more so that others do not greet him, for behold, he is not situated in peace. And there are distinctions of laws in this. Specifically, throughout the first three days he does not greet any person. And if others did not know that he is an avel, and they greeted him—he shall not return greeting to them, but rather inform them that he is an avel. Because three days are for weeping, and how shall he mention peace? From three and until seven he does not greet; for all seven is mourning, and he is not to mention peace. However, if others who did not know greet him—he returns greeting to them, for after three, when the weeping has ceased—he returns it out of respect. And from seven until thirty he greets any person, for behold, they are situated in peace. And he is permitted to mention peace, since the primary days of mourning have concluded. And all the more so that he returns greeting to one who greets him when they did not know he is an avel. But one who knows that he is within thirty—shall not greet him, for behold, he is not situated in peace. In what case are these matters stated? Regarding other relatives, for then after thirty behold he is like any person. But when he is an avel for his father or his mother—others do not greet him until after twelve months. But he greets others after seven.

And since he is forbidden from greeting with shalom—all the more so is it forbidden to speak excessively during the shiva that are not for a necessity. And if he does so for the honor of the many, such as when many people came to comfort him—it is permitted for him to say to them even during the shiva, "Go to your homes in peace," for it is permitted for the honor of the many. And there are those who are lenient nowadays regarding greeting the mourner with shalom after thirty days for his father or mother, and there is no reason for this. And if they say that this which we practice in our greeting with shalom is not included in the greeting with shalom mentioned in the Gemara, if so, we should permit it even before thirty days. And from the words of our teacher, the Rema, it is explained that this distinction is only after thirty days, see there. And it seems to me that now even within thirty days they are not careful in this, and perhaps for this reason. And see Orach Chaim siman 83 (and Magen Avraham siman 554 (Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim 554)).

One who finds his fellow as a mourner within thirty days—he speaks words of consolation to him, and he does not inquire after his welfare. After thirty days—he inquires after his welfare. And he does not speak words of consolation to him in his usual manner but rather indirectly, which is to say that he does not mention the name of the deceased to him but rather says to him: "Be consoled." And regarding his father or his mother, this distinction is between before twelve months and after twelve months, as has been explained. And if his wife died, and he married another within three festivals according to the permissions that will be explained in siman 392—he does not enter his house to speak words of consolation to him, for this is not proper conduct in front of the new wife. Rather, when he finds him in the marketplace, he says to him "Be consoled" in a low voice and with a serious demeanor. But if he did not marry another—he speaks words of consolation to him until three festivals have passed. And afterward he shall not mention it to him at all, for his grief has already dissipated. And know that now the custom is not even to say "Be consoled" after thirty days.

A place where they are accustomed to greet mourners on Shabbat—they may greet. And so it is stated in the Yerushalmi, that this depends on the custom. And the Rambam wrote in the tenth chapter (Rambam Laws of Mourning 10) that the mourner gives greeting to every person on Shabbat, for it is among the matters of public display if he does not ask. And it is forbidden to send gifts to a mourner for the entire thirty days, and for his father and mother for the entire twelve months, and this refers to places where they send gifts to one another on Shabbat. And this is in a place where they do not greet mourners on Shabbat. But in a place where they are accustomed to greet—this too is permitted. But on a weekday it is forbidden. And how the law is regarding the sending of portions on Purim, it was explained in Orach Chaim siman 696, see there. And know that it seems to me that just as there is no greeting in the house of the mourner for the entire seven days, neither the mourner to others nor others to the mourner, so too others to one another shall not greet in the house of the mourner. For within the days of the seven, one should not mention "peace" in this house.