Siman 25

Even in tashmish with his pure wife, it is proper for a person to conduct himself with extra holiness, with pure thought, and with correct intention. He should not act lightheadedly with his wife, nor should he disgrace his mouth with vain words even between him and her. Behold, the verse says, "And He tells a man what his speech is" (Amos 4:13), and our sages, of blessed memory, said (Chagigah 5b): Even for light conversation between a man and his wife, he is destined to give an accounting. He should not speak with her of other matters during the time of tashmish, nor prior to it, so that he does not set his mind on another woman. And if he spoke with her and performed tashmish immediately—concerning him it is said, "He tells a man what his speech is." However, regarding matters of tashmish, he may speak with her in order to increase his desire then, to produce kosher seed; or if he had anger with her and needs to appease her so that she be reconciled, he may speak with her in order to appease her.

The Rambam, of blessed memory, wrote in the twenty-first chapter of Issurei Biah: It is a measure of piety that one should not act lightheadedly in this and that he should sanctify himself at the time of tashmish, and he should not deviate from the way of the world, and that this matter is only for the purpose of being fruitful and multiplying. He should not engage in excessive tashmish so as to be constantly with his wife, for this matter is exceedingly flawed and is the practice of the ignorant; rather, anyone who minimizes tashmish is praiseworthy, provided that he does not cancel the onah except with the consent of his wife. Thus far his words. The order of the onah will be explained in siman 76; see there.

He further wrote in the fourth chapter of De'ot: Seminal emission is the strength of the body and the light of the eyes, and whenever it exits excessively, the body wastes away, its strength is exhausted, and one's life is lost. This is what Solomon said in his wisdom: "Do not give your strength to women" (Proverbs 31:3). Anyone who is immersed in intercourse, old age leaps upon him, his strength is weakened, his eyes grow dim, a foul odor emanates from his mouth and his armpits, the hair of his head, his eyebrows, and his eyelashes fall out, the hair of his beard, his armpits, and the hair of his legs increases, his teeth fall out, and many pains besides these come upon him. The wise physicians said: One in a thousand dies from other illnesses, while the thousand die from excessive intercourse. Therefore, a person must be careful in this matter if he wishes to be in a good state; he should not engage in intercourse unless he finds his body very strong and healthy, and he experiences an erection greatly without his intent, and he distracts his mind to another matter yet the erection remains as it was, and he finds a heaviness from his loins and below as if the cords of the testicles are being pulled, and his flesh is hot—this one shall come to his proper wife. A person should not engage in intercourse while he is sated or hungry, but only after the food has been digested in his intestines. He should check his orifices before intercourse and after intercourse. He should not engage in intercourse standing, nor sitting, nor in a bathhouse, nor on the day he enters a bathhouse [in their very hot baths], nor on the day of bloodletting, etc. Thus far his words.

And even when he engages in relations at the time of the onah, he should not intend for his own pleasure, but rather like a person paying his debt, for it is an obligation at its onah, and to fulfill the commandment of his Creator regarding pru u'rvu, and so that he may have sons who occupy themselves with Torah and fulfill mitzvot in Israel. And he shall not have relations except with her consent, and if she is not willing, he shall appease her until she consents. And he shall be very modest at the time of the act, and he shall not engage in relations in the presence of other people; and specifically when the person is awake, but with one who is sleeping we have no concern regarding it. And a partition does not avail when he is sensed, since it is a matter of modesty [Tur]. And in the presence of a domestic animal, a wild beast, a bird, or an infant who is unable to speak, there is no prohibition. And he shall engage in relations in the middle of the night at a time when no other voice is heard, so that he does not set his mind on another woman.

Our sages, of blessed memory, said [Eruvin 63a]: Anyone who sleeps in a room where a man and his wife are staying, regarding him the verse says, "The women of My people you cast out from their pleasant houses" (Micah 2:9), because they are ashamed before him to engage in intimacy. And even when she is a niddah, he should not sleep there, for he prevents them from speaking private matters. And he should not say, "I will guard them so that they do not come to a transgression," for until now, who guarded them? The poskim omitted this, and I do not know why.

The Tur wrote in the name of the Ra'avad, there are four levels in the intention of tashmish: The first, and it is the most correct of them all – for the sake of pru u'rvu to fulfill a positive commandment. And the second – for the benefit of the fetus when she is pregnant, as our sages, of blessed memory, said that in the first three months tashmish is difficult for the woman and for the fetus, the middle ones are difficult for the woman and good for the fetus, and the final ones are good for both of them. And the third – when his wife desires him or at the time of his departure on a journey, and it is the mitzvah of onah. And the fourth – that he intends to fence himself from transgression – in this too there is reward. Thus far his words.

It is stated in the Shas [Gittin 70a]: If one let blood and engaged in marital relations, he will have weak children. If both of them let blood and engaged in relations, they will have children afflicted with ra'atan, who are very weak because they have a parasite in the brain [Rashi], and specifically when he did not taste anything, but if he tasted something, we have no concern regarding it. And so too, one who comes from a journey and engaged in relations immediately, he will have weak children, and specifically when he traveled on his feet, and similarly for one departing on a journey [the Rambam, chapter 4 of De'ot], but one traveling in a carriage—we have no concern regarding it, and on the contrary, it is a mitzvah to attend to his wife at the time of his departure on a journey and upon his arrival, for then she yearns for him.

One who comes from the beit hakisse should not engage in tashmish until he waits the duration of half a mil – and this is approximately a sixth of an hour; and if he engaged in tashmish, he will have children who are epileptics [ibid.]. One who engages in tashmish while standing – a convulsion seizes him, which is the disease of kranp. If he engaged in tashmish while sitting – dileria seizes him, and likewise when she is above and he is below, and through this disease he yawns with his mouth [Aruch]. Not only that, but he wastes seed, for it is learned that a woman does not conceive while standing; and it appears to me that if it happened that he engaged in tashmish while standing and separated from her and she conceived – he cannot spread a rumor that she committed adultery, for behold, in an incidental case it is possible that she conceived while standing as is stated there, and besides this, it weakens his strength when he engages in tashmish while standing. And likewise, when he engaged in tashmish in the way of the world and stood up immediately, there is also danger in the matter [ibid.]. And tashmish is among the things where a small amount is good and a large amount is harmful [ibid.]. And there are remedies there in the Gemara regarding this matter, but we are not experts in the names of their remedies.

It is written, "And I will purge from among you the rebels and those who transgress" [Ezekiel 20:38] – these are the children of the nine characteristics: Children of fear – where one casts fear upon his wife to submit to him against her will, and because of this his offspring is not decent. And children of a forced woman – where he literally rapes his wife, which is worse than fear. And children of a hated woman – whom he hates. And children of excommunication – where he has relations while he is under excommunication. And children of substitution – where he comes upon one of his wives and thinks he is coming upon the other, and this is in a place where they marry two wives [see Magen Avraham siman 240, subsection 9]. And children of strife – even though there is no hatred between them, but rather a temporary strife and he did not appease her before relations. And children of drunkenness – where because he is drunk, he does not set his mind upon his wife. And children of a heart-divorcee – where he has decided in his heart to divorce her and he comes upon her. And children of mixture – where several men came upon her, meaning she was married to many men and was divorced and widowed and has many temperaments, and because of this the offspring is not decent [it appears to me]. And children of an impudent woman – who emboldens her face to literally demand it of him verbally; however, if she entices him with words of desire and appeasement to turn to her tent and adorns herself before him – it is considered well [end of the second chapter of Nedarim]. And it is forbidden for a man to force his wife to this, as it is said, "and he who hastens with his feet sins" (Proverbs 19:2), and it is said (ibid.), "Also, without knowledge the soul is not good," and he will have children who are not decent; and likewise one who has relations and repeats without her knowledge [Eruvin 100b].

There is also in the Shas one who said: Why are there lame children? Because they overturn their table, she is above and he is below. Mute children? Because they kiss that place. Deaf children? Because they converse during the time of tashmish. Blind children? Because they gaze at that place [Nedarim 20a]. And do not engage in excessive conversation with the woman, for you will ultimately come to adultery. And it was taught: "And so that His fear shall be upon your faces" — this is shame; "so that you do not sin" (Exodus 20:16) — for shame leads to the fear of sin. And it is a good sign for a person that he is bashful, and any person who feels shame does not easily sin, and anyone who does not have shame on his face, it is known that his ancestors did not stand at Mount Sinai [ibid.].

Therefore, even though we hold [ibid.] that whatever a man wishes to do with his wife he may do when she is pure, he may have relations at any time he wishes and kiss any organ he wishes and come upon her whether in her usual way or not in her usual way or by way of the organs, provided that he does not emit seed in vain [Tur] – nevertheless, one who weighs his ways should not do so, but rather should have relations in the place that is fit for sowing and procreating, for it is impossible to be careful not to emit seed in vain, and how severe is this sin. And even though there are those who are lenient even in such a case when he does so occasionally and is not accustomed to it, it is difficult to say so [Beit Yosef] and one who guards his soul shall distance himself from this, and anyone who sanctifies himself with that which is permitted to him, "holy" shall be said of him [the words of the Beit Shmuel, subsection 2, are astonishing].

It is forbidden to cohabit in marketplaces, in streets, in gardens, or in orchards, but rather only in a residential house, so that it does not appear like zenut and they do not habituate themselves to zenut; and one who cohabits with his wife in these places, they strike him with makat mardut. And one should not cohabit at the beginning of the night nor at its end, but rather in its middle, as the reason was written in siman 4. And when he is on a journey with his wife and is staying in an inn and does not have a private room, he shall not engage in tashmish mitah, [and if he has a private room – it is permitted] and only he shall not sleep in the tallit of the landlord lest he see something repulsive on it and they become repulsive to him [Chelkat Mechokek]. And in years of famine or other troubles, he should refrain from tashmish unless he has no children, or it is the night of tevilah, or his inclination overcomes him.

It is forbidden to have marital relations by the light of a candle even by darkening with a tallit, and if it was Shabbat and the candle is lit, he shall not have relations at all. But if there is the separation of a partition, it is permitted even if the candle shines above the partition when he darkens with his tallit. And if the candle is in another room, even though it shines into their room—it is permitted; and likewise the light of the moon is of no concern and he darkens with his tallit. And likewise it is forbidden to have relations by day, for it is brazenness. But if he was a talmid chacham and darkens with his tallit, it is permitted, and this was not permitted except for a great need so that he should not come to the emission of zera levatala. And to make a light partition on Shabbat for the sake of modesty alone in front of the candle, it is possible that it is permitted as is written in Orach Chaim siman 315, see there. And a room that has books in it—it is forbidden to have relations until he makes a partition, and also they shall not be seen above the partition [Beit Shmuel]. And regarding tefillin and printed Chumashim and Gemaras and poskim, a vessel within a vessel is effective, provided that the second vessel is not designated for them; and to spread a garment over a chest of books is considered like a vessel within a vessel, and likewise regarding a mezuzah. But for a Sefer Torah and Chumashim on parchment made with a scroll—only a partition is effective. And see in Orach Chaim siman 240 that he should not have relations on a bed that an infant is upon, and that the head of the bed and its foot should be one to the north and one to the south, see there.