Siman 240

The Rambam wrote at the end of chapter 4 of De'ot: "Seminal emission is the strength of the body and its life and the light of the eyes, and whenever it exits excessively, the body wastes away and its strength wastes away and its life is lost; and this is what Solomon said in his wisdom: 'Do not give your strength to women.' And anyone who is obsessed with cohabitation, old age leaps upon him and his strength is weakened and his eyes grow dim and a foul odor emanates from his mouth and his armpits, and the hair of his head and his eyebrows and his eyelashes fall out, and the hair of his beard and his armpits and the hair of his legs increases, and his teeth fall out and many pains besides these come upon him. And the wise physicians said: one in a thousand dies from other illnesses, and the thousand from excessive cohabitation; therefore a person must be careful in this matter if he wishes to be in a good state, and he should not cohabit except when he finds his body very healthy and strong and he has an erection frequently without his intent, and he distracts himself with another matter and the erection remains as it was, and he finds heaviness from his loins and below and as if the cords of the testicles are being pulled and his flesh is hot; such a person needs to cohabit and it is a cure for him to cohabit. And a person should not cohabit while he is satiated or hungry but only after the food in his intestines has been digested, and he should check his orifices before cohabitation and after cohabitation, and he should not cohabit standing or sitting or in the bathhouse or on the day he enters the bathhouse or on the day of bloodletting or on the day of departing on a journey or arriving from a journey, neither before them nor after them." Thus far his words. And that which they said in Yevamot (62b) that a woman yearns for her husband at the time he departs on a journey and that he must attend to her, this is when he travels in a wagon where he does not walk on foot, for that which we said: "and not on the day of departure or arrival from a journey," this is when he walks on his feet and he is exhausted, or it is possible that he should attend to her on the preceding night (see Levush and Taz).

A person should contemplate that the Holy One, blessed be He, did not create the matter of this desire for the sake of desire, but rather for the preservation of the species. The proof is that upon the emission of seed, the desire is severed until, over the course of time, more seed is gathered and the desire strengthens. Furthermore, according to intellect and nature, this matter should have been loathsome in a person's eyes, as our Sages, of blessed memory, expounded in Shabbat (152a): "'For He spoke, and it was'—this is a woman; 'He commanded, and it stood'—these are children. It was taught: A woman is a vessel full of filth and her mouth is full of blood, yet everyone runs after her." And were it not for the decree of the King, it would not be appropriate to desire her; rather, 'for He spoke, and it was,' for the sake of the preservation of the species, for He did not create it to be a waste, He formed it to be inhabited. Therefore, every man of understanding who seeks and fears God will contemplate this and walk his path securely, and he will not stumble in this world nor be shamed in this world; and it is already known that the source of the holiness of Israel depends upon this matter.

And also when he is with his wife, he must be modest in this matter, as it is written: "And walk modestly with your God," meaning even when you are only with your God where no person sees, nevertheless you should walk modestly (clothed), and be ashamed before Hashem your God, before Whom, may He be blessed, darkness is as light (ibid.). And also, he should not be with his wife too frequently, but rather according to the onah mentioned in the Torah. Specifically, the teyalim, whose livelihood is available to them and who do not pay taxes—their onah is every day. And the laborers who do work in another city and sleep every night in their homes—once a week; and if they do work in their city—twice a week; and in Even HaEzer siman 76 there is a dispute regarding this, see there. And the donkey drivers—once a week; and the camel drivers who go to distant places—once every thirty days; and the sailors who set out to sea—once every six months. And the teyalim, the Rambam explained: healthy and pampered men. And the onah of Torah scholars—from Shabbat to Shabbat, for all week they occupy themselves with Torah, and regarding them it is said: "Who yields its fruit in its season." And it is forbidden to sleep in a room where a man and his wife are sleeping, and not only that, but even if she is a niddah, nevertheless another person should not sleep there (Eruvin 63b), because she has pleasure when she is in one room with her husband and speaks and asks of him whatever she desires, but when there is another person there she is ashamed before him, and regarding them the prophet said: "The women of My people you drive out from their pleasant houses" (ibid.).

Every man is required to visit his wife on the night of her immersion and at the time he departs on a journey, if he is not going for a matter of a mitzvah. Likewise, if his wife is nursing and he recognizes in her that she is enticing him with words and adorns herself before him so that he should set his mind upon her—he is obligated to visit her even not at the time of her onah. And even when he is present with her, he should not intend for his pleasure alone, but rather like a person who is paying his debt; and the debt is that which the Torah obligated him, that he shall not diminish her onah, and to fulfill the commandment of his Creator so that he will have sons who engage in Torah and fulfill mitzvot in Israel.

And so too if he intends for the benefit of the fetus, for in the final six months, cohabitation is beneficial for the fetus, as through this the fetus emerges refined and vigorous, it is permitted. However, in the first three months, cohabitation is difficult for the fetus and difficult for the woman; in the middle three, it is difficult for the woman and beneficial for the fetus; and in the final three, it is beneficial for both of them. And so too if he intends to fence himself in with her so that he will not lust after transgression, because he sees his inclination overcoming him and he lusts for that matter, in this too there is receipt of reward; yet it would be better for him to repel his inclination and conquer it, for there is a small organ in man—starve it and it is satisfied, sate it and it is hungry. But one who does not need the matter but rather arouses his desire in order to fulfill his desire, and it is not at the time of her required onah, behold this is the way of the evil inclination, and from the permitted it will entice him toward the forbidden, and regarding this they said in Niddah (13a): One who brings himself to a state of erection intentionally shall be under a curse.

One must fulfill the onah even during the days of pregnancy and nursing. Regarding one who is careful to immerse for his keri and during the winter days the immersion is difficult for him, whether he may exempt himself from the onah—they asked the Arizal and he replied that if she is not pregnant and not nursing, he is certainly obligated; and if she is pregnant or nursing, nevertheless he requires her forgiveness, and if not, he is obligated to fulfill the onah even if he cannot immerse (as is implied in the Magen Avraham at the beginning of this siman), for by the law of the Gemara they abolished the immersion. And a talmid chakham, just as his onah is on Shabbat, so too it is on Yom Tov and Rosh Chodesh. And it is from the trait of chasidut not to have marital relations on the first night of Pesach, the first night of Shavuot, and the night of Shemini Atzeret, unless it is the night of immersion (ibid. subsection 2 in the name of the Writings), and likewise on Rosh Hashanah. And all of this is not by the law, for by the law there is no prohibition except on Tisha B'Av and Yom Kippur; therefore, one for whom this is difficult is permitted on Rosh Hashanah, Pesach, Shavuot, and Shemini Atzeret. And he shall not drink from this cup while setting his eyes on another cup—meaning, that he should not think at the time of the act about another woman, and even if both are his wives, such as in the lands of Ishmael where they are permitted to take two wives, for this is somewhat similar to the "children of substitution" that will be explained.

Our Sages, of blessed memory, said in Nedarim (20b): It is written: "And I will purge from among you the rebels and those who transgress against Me" — these are the children of nine categories: children of a forced woman, where he cohabited with his wife by force, and even if not by actual force but only that she is not consenting; therefore, he should appease her and afterward cohabit. And thus our Sages, of blessed memory, said in Eruvin (100b): It is forbidden for a man to compel his wife to the matter of the mitzvah, as it is said: "And he who hastens with his feet sins," and anyone who compels will have children who are not proper, as it is written (ibid.): "Also, without knowledge, the soul is not good." And we ought to learn derech eretz from a rooster, which appeases and afterward cohabits. And thus they said there, that one should learn modesty from a cat, which does not cast its excrement in the presence of man and covers its waste; and theft from an ant, as it is written: "She prepares her bread in the summer," and she does not steal from others; and forbidden relations from a dove, which does not mate except with its partner; and derech eretz from a rooster, see there.

And the second is "children of a hated woman," when he does not love her at the time of tashmish. But if at the time of the act he loves her, even though she was hated—it is permitted (Tur). And the third is "children of distancing," meaning that he or she are distanced by a beit din, as written in Yoreh Deah siman 334. And the fourth is "children of substitution," such as when he thinks at the time of the act that she is another, meaning that he intended for a different body than what she is, even if both are his wives. But if he intended for this body but erred in her name, such as thinking her name is Rachel and in truth her name is Leah, we have no concern regarding it (see Magen Avraham subsection 9).

And the fifth is the children of a rebellious woman, where she says: "I do not want you," and nevertheless he engages in relations with her. And even though she is willing at the time of the act for this, nevertheless since she says "I do not want him" and is standing to be divorced—it is forbidden to engage in relations with her until she is completely reconciled and retracts her initial words. And the sixth is the children of drunkenness, when he is drunk or she is drunk. And the seventh is the children of a "divorced of the heart," where he has resolved in his mind to divorce her for some reason even though he loves her, and therefore when he resolves in his heart to divorce her he shall not come upon her. And the eighth is the children of confusion, meaning, for example, that while he is with her he sets his mind on another, as I wrote at the end of section 6. And the ninth is the children of an impudent woman, who demands of him verbally and she is like a harlot. But if she does not demand of him explicitly but rather she pleases him and adorns herself before him so that he will set his mind upon her, she will have worthy children, and so the Sages, of blessed memory, said in Eruvin (100b), see there.

It is forbidden to look at that place, and anyone who looks there lacks shame and violates "and to walk humbly," and removes shame from his face, for anyone who feels shame does not sin, as it is said: "And so that His fear shall be upon your faces"—this is shame, and it is written (ibid.) "so that you do not sin," for "upon your faces" implies shame (Ran, Nedarim ibid.), and everyone who fears feels shame (Rosh ibid.). Furthermore, he incites the evil inclination within his soul, and all the more so one who kisses there, who violates all of these, and also violates "do not make your souls detestable." And at the time of the act, he should be above and she below, but the opposite is a way of brazenness, and if they cohabited both as one, this is a way of perverseness.

It is forbidden to have marital relations in the presence of any person when he is awake, even by means of a partition of ten handbreadths. In the presence of an infant who does not know how to speak, it is permitted; but when he knows how to speak, it is forbidden even if he does not understand the matter, for he will recount what he saw and the matter is unseemly. And a room in which there is a sefer Torah or Chumashim made with a scroll like a sefer Torah—it is forbidden to have relations in it until there is a partition of ten handbreadths before them. And a covering of a vessel within a vessel is not effective, for they were stringent regarding the honor of a sefer Torah; and a curtain is not called a partition since it is not fixed and it moves and sways, therefore if it does not sway and stands as if fixed, it is a partition. And even with the separation of a partition, they only permitted it when there is no other room, but when he has another room, it is forbidden until he removes the sefer Torah to the other room.

And if there are in the room tefillin or printed books—Mikra, Mishnah, Gemara, Poskim—it is forbidden to engage in marital relations until he places them vessel within vessel, and provided that the second vessel is not designated for them, as I wrote above in siman 40; see there. But when both vessels are designated for them, even a hundred are considered as one. And if he spread a cloth over a chest of books, it is considered vessel within vessel. And if the chest is large, holding forty seah—that is, an amah by an amah with a height of three amot—there is no need for another vessel, for it divides a domain for itself (Magen Avraham, subsection 19). And they wrote that a mezuzah also requires vessel within vessel, but we explained in Yoreh Deah siman 286 that a mezuzah does not require vessel within vessel; since the mezuzah must be there, a covering alone is sufficient. And when it is fixed to the doorpost of the room and covered with paper or glass or another thing—it is sufficient, and daily practice proves this.

It is good that he should not engage in tashmish neither at the beginning of the night nor at its end, so that he does not hear the voice of people and set his mind on another woman, but rather in the middle of the night; and if it is impossible for him in the middle of the night, there is no concern in this. And he should engage in tashmish with awe and fear, as they said regarding Rabbi Eliezer (Nedarim ibid.) that he would reveal a handbreadth and cover a handbreadth and was like one whom a demon compelled, meaning the awe and fear were as if a demon compelled him. And there are those who explain "revealing a handbreadth etc." that he would not fully insert the organ at the time of tashmish in order to diminish his pleasure, and it is similar to one whom a demon compelled, who performs the matter under duress. And there are those who explain "revealing a handbreadth" of the woman, meaning now he reveals it for the need of tashmish and now he covers it, for he would not prolong that act, and it seemed to him as if a demon frightened him and he was startled and left the act, and to such an extent he would shorten the tashmish.

The Ra’avad, of blessed memory, raised a difficulty: Do we not say that as a reward for delaying upon the belly one merits male children? He answered: Everything is for the sake of Heaven, for the Lord searches all hearts. One who is confident in himself that he can perform this act and no other thought will enter him, and he delays himself so that she may derive pleasure from him and emit seed first, and intends to perform a mitzvah—the Holy One, Blessed be He, pays him his reward with male children. And one who is not confident in himself and hastens the act in order to be saved from sin, so that he should not think of another woman, he too performs a mitzvah, and the Holy One, Blessed be He, pays him his reward as well with male children; and this is what we have learned: "And all your deeds should be for the sake of Heaven." And there are those who explain "reveals a handbreadth" as referring to the apron she was girded with, for even at the time of the act he would require her to gird it, and he reveals only a handbreadth of her and covers it immediately in order to diminish his pleasure. And even though in Even HaEzer siman 76 it is explained that it is impossible to force her to engage in relations in her clothes, see there, nevertheless an apron is not a garment; and furthermore, when both of them consent it is permitted in any manner, and it is a measure of modesty (Magen Avraham, subsection 22). And all the explanations are true, and a person of soul should be careful with them when it is within his ability.

He should not speak with her regarding matters that are not related to the needs of the act, neither at the time of the act nor prior to it, so that he does not set his mind upon another woman. However, regarding the needs of the act it is permitted, in order to increase his desire (Tur), and see in Even HaEzer siman 25. However, speech regarding this matter must be measured and weighed, and regarding this they said in Chagigah: "'And He tells a man what his conversation is'—even a light conversation between a man and his wife is told to a man at the time of judgment." And if he had anger with her—it is forbidden to engage in the act until he appeases her, and he may speak with her prior to the act in order to reconcile her.

It is forbidden to engage in tashmish by the light of a candle even if one screens with his garment, for this is not the way of modesty. However, if one made a partition ten tefachim high before the candle, even though the light is visible through the partition, since there is an interruption by a sheet—it is permitted, for this is not actual light. And likewise, if the light is visible above the partition, such as when the partition does not reach the ceiling—it is also permitted; nevertheless, one must screen with his garment so that he does not gaze at the ervah. And the Kabbalists wrote that one should not see light at all, even when she is pregnant, for through this one causes the offspring to be epileptic (Magen Avraham, subsection 24). And one who sleeps in a canopy-bed called a "poly-rabba-hanging," if the curtains are thick, even if they do not darken completely—it is permitted (ibid.). And if the moon shines upon them directly through the window—one should not engage in tashmish, but if it shines into the house and not directly upon them, there is not so much concern regarding this (ibid.). And likewise, it is forbidden to engage in tashmish during the day unless it is a dark house, and a talmid chakham screens with his garment and it is permitted, for the talmid chakham will be careful not to gaze at the ervah. And in the Gemara the reason is explained: lest he see in her something repulsive and she become repulsive to him (Niddah 17a). And the Rambam wrote that one should not resort to this except for a great need; and whether it is permitted to make a partition with a sheet on Shabbat for this purpose will be explained in siman 315.

Our sages, of blessed memory, said in Taanit (18a): That it is forbidden to have marital relations during years of famine, because the whole world is in distress. And they learned this from a verse, as it is written: "And to Yosef were born two sons before the year of famine came," see there. And they said there in the Yerushalmi that the same law applies to other troubles that are like famine. However, if he is childless and has not yet fulfilled the commandment of procreation—it is permitted. And they said in Ketubot at the end of the fourth chapter that a guest is forbidden to have relations when he and his wife do not have a room to themselves, but if they have a closed room to themselves—it is permitted. Provided that he does not sleep in the garment of the homeowner, lest a seminal emission remain upon it and he be disgraced, and it is also not proper, for the homeowner did not grant him permission for this (see Yoma 18a). (And as for the difficulty raised by the Magen Avraham in subsection 27, that without a private room it is also forbidden in his own home, it is not a difficulty at all; for this reason we were precise to write "closed," for without this there is a concern that someone else might enter there, but in his own home there is no concern of this. And see Eliyah Rabbah subsection 21 who answered that in his own home, when there is a sleeping person in his room it is permitted, but as a guest even in such a case one should not have relations; and there are several distinctions to be made, and examine this closely).

Our sages, of blessed memory, said in Pesachim (112a) that one who engages in marital relations on a bed where an infant is sleeping will cause the infant to fall into the illness of epilepsy. This is specifically when he is not yet a year old, but when he is a year old or more, we have no concern regarding it. And even when he is not a year old, it is specifically when the infant is sleeping at the foot of the bed, but when he sleeps near the head of the bed, we have no concern regarding it. And even when he is at the foot, it is specifically when he does not place his hand upon the infant at the time of relations, but when he placed his hand upon him, we have no concern regarding it. And even though we do not understand, nevertheless, thus were our holy teachers received according to the true wisdom. And in the Zohar Vayikra, it says that she should not nurse the infant after relations for the time it takes to walk two mil, and not less than the time of a mil, which is eighteen minutes. And one who exits the beit hakise should not engage in marital relations for one hour, and after relations he should wash his hands. And it is proper to think of the righteous at the time of relations, for this will be a benefit to the child when she conceives from this cohabitation. And the bed upon which he sleeps with his wife must have its head and its foot, one to the north and one to the south, and there are various interpretations regarding this (see Responsa She'elat Yaakov, siman 1).