Siman 65

It is a great mitzvah to gladden a chatan and kallah, and to dance before her and to say that she is pleasant and graceful, for a thread of grace is drawn over her, and even if she is not pleasant. This is not like a lie, for one can say that she is pleasant in her deeds; and furthermore, there are those who even if they are not pleasant, a thread of grace is drawn over them and from this they appear pleasant. However, if she is physically blemished, one should not say that she has no blemish, for this is a complete lie; rather, one should remain silent regarding this matter. And so too, they should praise her for a pleasant quality that she possesses, for there is no person who does not have some virtue.

Our sages, of blessed memory, said [Ketubot 17a] regarding R. Yehuda b. R. Ilai that he would take a branch of hadas and dance before the bride and say, "A bride, beautiful and graceful." And it is brought in Pirkei De-Rabbi Eliezer [chapter 17]: Why did the dogs not eat the palms of Jezebel's hands? Because she would dance before the groom and bride. And our sages, of blessed memory, said: Anyone who benefits from the feast of a groom and does not gladden him violates "five voices." And a funeral procession and a bridal procession that encounter one another, one moves the funeral procession from before the bride to give her the right of way, and the pallbearers shall turn to another path; and all this is in order to endear her to her husband. Furthermore, the honor of the living is preferred, as it is taught in Masekhet Semachot: A funeral and a bride—the bride takes precedence; a funeral and a milah—the milah takes precedence, for this is the honor of the dead and this is the honor of the living. Therefore, the Ramban, of blessed memory, wrote that for all matters, the affairs of the bride take precedence over the affairs of the deceased, regarding his burial and all his needs, or to be supported from the charity fund.

The joy is that men shall dance separately and women separately, and Heaven forbid that men should dance with women, for David said "Young men and also maidens, elders with youths" (Psalms 148:12) and he did not say young men with maidens; and all who do so and kindle the fire of Gehenna within themselves, their punishment is great. And even with the kallah it is forbidden to dance, and it is forbidden to gaze at the face of the kallah even for a single moment with excessive gazing. There are those who permit gazing at the jewelry upon her or at her uncovered head, and there are those who forbid even this [Makneh], and only by way of a casual seeing is it permitted, but not with gazing, and a person should not incite the yetzer hara against himself.

One interrupts Torah study for the bringing of a bride to the chuppah, and even one whose Torah study is his profession is obligated to interrupt. And specifically when he sees that they are entering the chuppah is he obligated to honor them, but if he knows that there is a chuppah in the city, he is not obligated to interrupt his study and go there. And what is the mitzvah? When they lead her to the chuppah. However, if there is a mixture of women, it is better not to go; therefore, they should escort the groom when they lead him and not the bride, for it is a mitzvah that comes through a transgression. For this reason, if many women are walking with the groom as well, it is better not to go.

It is written, "Let my tongue cleave to my palate if I do not remember you, if I do not set Jerusalem above my chief joy" (Psalms 137:6), and remembrance is a physical act, therefore one must do something as a memorial to the mourning of Jerusalem. Our sages, of blessed memory, said this refers to burnt ashes placed on the heads of bridegrooms, and one places it in the location of the tefillin, as it is written (Isaiah 61:3), "To grant to the mourners of Zion, to give them a crown instead of ashes." Therefore, the custom in Ashkenaz is to place ashes on the head of the bridegroom before the chuppah and remove them immediately. In Sefarad, they are accustomed to place a crown made of olive leaves on his head because the olive is bitter, as a memorial to the mourning of Jerusalem. There are places where they are accustomed to break a glass after the seven blessings, and this is the custom practiced in these lands, that the bridegroom breaks the vessel over which they recite the blessing of erusin; and every river follows its own course. There is no prohibition of bal tashchit in this, since they do this for the sake of the remembrance of Jerusalem. May the Holy One, Blessed be He, merit us to see its rebuilding, Amen and Amen.